The Final Countdown...

It's finals week as you would know if you logged into Reddit for 5 secs.

This is my final, finals week. It's over, it's done. In three days time I will have ended my four year pursuit and will officially have my BFA in Communication Design. I've come very far, both geographically and personally from who I was when I started all this.

Over all, I look back and see all the sleep not had, all the events missed, the family and friends neglected and the work I have made laid out before me. I'm better now, I know I am. I'm better in so many ways.

A better artist, a better friend // girlfriend ( though those areas still consistently need work ), a better person in general. Not in the sense that I'm downing on my past self, I've been so many things and different people even within the 25 years I've lived, but I try not to be spiteful towards my former self.

I did the best I could, for who I was, at those times. And if I hadn't been that person, gone through those experiences, I would not be the person I am today. I defiantly have my downside, like very recently getting drunk and completely freaking out to my significant other ( see, consistent work is needed ) but over all...I like who I am.

There's some good stuff going here.

That being said, I'm freaking out. I'm going to describe the things in my head, in an attempt to air out my mind.

I think people over-hype the importance // dire nature of graduating high school. When you're going through it everyone's telling you this is the biggest step of your life, this is the point were you change from child to adult.

Bullshit.

Graduating High school ( for me at least ) was a fucking piece of cake comparatively. I had fucked around my senior year ( mostly out of boredom ), I would skip school to hang out with my friends who had already graduated, or to go to the bookstore and read all day. I had missed so much school at that point I needed to pass all my final exams to graduate. I never worried about it. Even while my Mom was pretty much preparing herself, and my entire extended family, for me to fail I never worried.

All I have to do is pass 5 tests? And I did, even got the highest grade in my Chemistry class. Which is insane.

At the graduation ceremony people were asking me what I was going to do after school. Go to college? Start a career?

Funny thing is I didn't grow up desperately broke, but college had just never seemed like an option. It was just something that seemed to be too expensive, stressed that I would probably only be able to go if I could get scholarships, yet I was never pressed or guided in a manor to be able to achieve said scholarships.

4th grade was the last time I got all A's on a report card. After that things just fell off pretty much for the remainder of my academic career.

Once my grades went down so did all of the support as well. When I did good, no response. When I did bad, I was faced with verbal abuse and belittling. When the only reward for doing good is not getting yelled at, you lose drive quickly. What's the point?

Once I had resigned myself to the fact that I probably would never get scholarships due to my grades, I just figured college would be something I'd never experience. And I thought "Whatever" at that point, I a disgruntled kid, I needed to take care of so many things before I could even consider college.

I gave college a shot when I was 19, after a year of doing dead end jobs and finally being tired of the situation. I went to my local community college, hoping that I could go there to get my general eds. then transfer into a four year college.

My Dad was super supportive and took me to schools that are laughable now when I think back on it. We went to FSU and got to tour the campus. It was so big, offered so much, when we walked into the stadium ( and I mean INTO the stadium, on the grass that the 'Noles play on ) it was amazing and intimidating. Filling out the form of interest and watching their intro video, I knew, "I'm never gonna go here."

Even if I made it into a state university, I would have never fit in there.

Flash forward to me @ 21 years old. Probably one of the worse times of my life. I was in a terrible relationship, an alcoholic or damn near, just generally an addict using everyone around me for some sort of solace. I was no longer going to my shit-show of a community college, working yet another dead-end job, and hating my life.

The only thing I did have going for me, was I lived in an awesome place, with some people who I can credit for saving my life.

My best friend Nina had been planning on moving to Chicago with her husband and my friend, Aaron, she knew me then and knows me now and in the moment knew that if she left without me, I might not be able to save myself.

I wouldn't have been able to save myself.

She asked me to come with her, and I did. It was the best decision I've ever casually made.

We sold everything of worth, found other items, and sold those too. We took a crazy road trip ( that spanned over a week...I'll write about it later ) and eventually ended up living in a cozy little apartment in Ukrainian Village.

Things were still pretty fucked for me, mostly because of the aforementioned toxic relationship I was in, I struggled with health // personal issues those first two years. Somehow in the middle of it all, I ended up enrolled at a Design College.

The second best decision I ever casually made.

Notice the cavalier trend? Somehow it's been panning out, I don't know, man.

I broke up with dude, went through a string of casual and not so casual affairs, found myself in some very weird // exciting places, and in the end was happy to be single.

At beginning of my 23rd year I was in my second year of school, single and happy, living with good friends in a good part of town, and finally able to put my shit aside to produce decent work at my school. A casual decision had shown me a field I truly began to enjoy, Design.

It was challenging and creative, asked me to use both sides of my brain equally, pushed me to grow mentally and emotionally, allowed me to completely change my way of thinking while still very much being who I am. I have to think my professors a lot for that one, pushing me to be the best version of myself I could be, but the important part, was still being myself.

I tell you all of this to give you some idea of how difficult it has been to complete this task. And I didn't even cover the whole financial side of it ( again, for a later post perhaps )

I tell you this to try and illustrate how impossible it seemed to me that I would


1. even attend a college

and

2. graduate from said college

 
So I should be happy right? Hell, I should be shouting from the roof tops at this point, three days from now I will be done with the longest endeavor of my life, something that should be my most important achievement.

But after a mummer of "congrats" and I've been faced with is a wall of

"Job market's a bitch right now."

"BFA? Pfft, good luck with that."

"Oh you're a designer? What like everyone else?"

"It took me forever to find a job."

And even more disheartening comments, I'll leave out, as not to add to suicide rates.

What joy I could have, and honestly have a right to have, is being taken away from me with every "After Graduation" conversation I have. Talk about debt, desperate need for income, on top of literally everything else I'm thinking about.

Graduating High school, you feel like that's your step into the adult world. But it's not.

This is. This is the real deal folks. No turning back now.

This is it, the time to get out there and get those entry levels, the time to buckle down and pay dues, and oh God how we will pay.

I'm scared. I'll say it. I'm scared shitless.

This is a turning point in my life, for lots of reasons, and all I can think is I just want stability. I just want something I can consistently rely on.

I'm realizing more and more each day that the only thing I can, or should, ever truly rely on should be myself.

So I guess that's a good reason to be better, to be strong, to keep my mind together and stay sharp.

Cause I've got somebody depending on me, me.

Good luck guys, I mean that.

[shea]